Skateboarders and "No Skateboarding" Signs

CRUISING DOWN THE STREET WITH THEIR SERIOUS PETES! IT'S THE SKATEBOARDERS FROM QUARGONZAI! LOOK AROUND THE CORNER AND WHAT DO YOU SEE? IT'S THE SKATEBOARDERS FROM QUARGONZAI! MAKE YOU SO SCARED THAT YOU WANNA TAKE A PEE! IT'S THE SKATEBOARDERS FROM QUARGONZAI! BREAKING ALL THE BUILDINGS WITH THEIR JOHNSON'S FREE! IT'S THE SKATEBOARDERS FROM QUARGONZAI!

This is the coolest jingle ever written. (Listen to it here.) But it's also one of the truest. The jingle was actually made for a 1975 advertisement for...GUNS! People were getting fed up with unruly skateboarders intruding on their space and flinging kickflips all up in their shit. Basically, this advertisement was telling people to buy guns and finish off skateboarders, make their blood bleed, send them to the grave, buy them a new home with worms, etcetera. After the Watergate Scandal, people were going wild. They didn't know what to believe because they felt that any ruler would ultimately screw them over. So what's the best way to stick it to the man and protect yourself? With GUNS! I've bought like thirty guns throughout my life for all different reasons, some for things as minor as my aunt not giving me the recipe to her famous chicken pot pie. I taught her a lesson. (Why I didn't use one of the 29 other guns I already had is another question.) The important thing is to not let people like Raptor get their hands on a gun, because they just might start shooting people that matter. Give Wolfman 3000 a gun and you'll know for sure that the body count will be made up only of liars and thieves.

So, before I digress too much, these skateboarders were not in the best interests of the masses. After all, they had their penises out for most of the time according to the jingle! Learning about this story made me realize how similar today's situation is, with the exception of gun accessibility. Skateboarders still ride around with their junk out and swear at innocent pedestrians. They vandalize valuable property and steal kid's candy apples, not to eat them but to put them up their butts. And when I say this, I mean ALL skateboarders. They are all jerks. That doesn't mean however that what they do isn't incredibly badass; anyone who can simulate gay butt sex in mid air with a scratchy four-wheeled board is a proficient athlete in my book. It's only fair that the athlete should play on the turf most suited to his/her sport, am I right?



That brings me to the combination. Let's consider this from the skateboarder's point of view. He loves breaking rules. He's all about disorder and chaos. Why would He want to ride in the skate park built for Him, when that's just doing what someone allows and it means staying out of people's business. The skateboarder wants to be where His existence is noticed, where people can see His junk and be so up-close-and-personal with it that they nearly choke on it. Moreover, the skateboarder is really an anarchist at heart, so He wants to be be somewhere that strictly prohibits Him from being there. Consequently, this happens to be where the coolest skate spots are because of how many nice architectural flourishes are built. For instance, The White House would be the sickest place to skate; you could vertically grind the tall pillars and even nollie across Obama's clean-shaven head. These are the kind of ludicrous ideas that skaters eat up. Anything that shakes things up a bit is of interest to them. So when they see a "No Skateboarding" sign, it's like Christmas in July, even when it's not July. Yes, this may be annoying to the public, but we can't be too harsh on them. After all, they were born with the unfortunate disability of seeing the world as if through a fish-eye.

Men and Women

"Did you clean the gutter yet? Have you fixed the television? Are you listening to me? Hey did you just fluff your Garfield on my new hair iron?" How many times have you heard these obnoxious questions from your wife or girlfriend? Like three hundred zillion times right? It's just a constant nag fest twenty four seven. The women in this world just don't know when to stop talking. Men are just the opposite. We're all relaxed and cool individuals who do nothing wrong until the women come in and ruin everything. That's why men didn't let women have as many rights back then because they were scared of what those shedevils would do to the world with all that power. I'm scared just letting my sister babysit me when my parents are gone. She makes me wear her dresses and gives me Indian sunburns until I puke. Men and women have nothing in common and are an awful combination...so you think.

Now lets talk science for a bit. For those wee ones reading this I'd suggest you'd stop right now and go back to your Berenstein Bears because it's gonna get hot and dirty in here. Men have dingleberries and women have flarglesnoops. It's as simple as that. We like to stick our dingleberies into women's flarglesnoops because it feels good and it also makes slimy ass babies. They were made for each other, like a key and a key hole, a snake and a snake hole, or even a hole and a hole hole. What I'm trying to say is that pee pees point outward on the body and vee vees point inward on the body. Our shlongs fit right into the women perfectly, unless you're Raptor who's wiener is smaller than an acorn. I know cause I looked at it while he was sleeping.

Now I'm no homophobe saying that only men and women could engage in the sex business perfectly. What makes these gay men not so perfect is that poop lives in their butts and that poop gets all over their rods. And gay women...well...I don't really know how they have sex. Sex is just so fitting when it involves a man and a woman. Another thought for you to munch on is that men and women's opposite abilities come together beautifully when connecting genitals. Women are flexible where as men are stiff, but somehow that works. Women are silky soft where as men are rough with pubes and such, but somehow that works. Women are weak and brittle where as men are strong and smart, but somehow that works. Men's big hands fit perfectly on a woman's boob sac. Women also do wonderful things with their tongues that only men can appreciate. Sex is just the one thing connecting cool ass men and stinky butt women and without sex it wouldn't just be the dinosaurs who are extinct. Women would be...cause men would kill them...hehehe....get it?

Buttsocket!

Olives and Feta

Put an olive up your ass. Now put a hunk of feta cheese up your ass. Don't they both burn your ass? If your ass is really your mouth, then yes, they do. Olives and feta cheese are two of the most distinctive flavors that the world of food has to offer. Some would say that their intense bitterness is too much to handle and that it shrouds the real richness of flavor that is underneath. Some say olives taste like pee-pee smoothies and feta tastes like buttcrack nachos. These opinions are actually objectively false. Both are delectable delicacies that only real food connoisseurs can enjoy. But how do two extremes put together make something new and of value, you may ask? If two extreme personalities got together for a rendezvous, wouldn't they have no chemistry? Don't opposites attract?

These are all valid questions to ask when attempting to counter the perfection that is the olive and feta combination. However, they are ultimately worthless questions, because they will be deemed void once you hear the words that are comin' out of my mouth. One day, Randy Savage was sitting in his pig-pen and he had some guests coming over his house. They were all of high class, and Randy, of course being a lowly peasant, wanted to prepare the finest dinner of all for them to prove that he was a worthy human being. He decided to make goat balls for them. Unfortunately, we'll never know what they thought of the goat balls, because Raptor caught word of this gathering, so Randy Savage was deeply worried that his party would be ruined. He told Leo Muskrat, who was the only good man in town that had the respect of Raptor, to tell Raptor that his party was at 6:00 instead of the 8:00 starting time he had previously mentioned. Instead of just grabbing the gun that was hanging quite obviously on his front door and blowing Raptor's brains to kingdom come, Randy Savage devised a more unusual plan. He thought about what would be the two most disgusting foods possible to pair together in hopes that upon eating them, Raptor would keel over and die and Randy could toss him into the mass grave in his backyard that was filled with Fascists. So he put feta cheese and olives into a bowl together with toothpicks, asking Raptor to eat the items together. It turns out that Raptor absolutely loved the combination, and it is said to have given him immortal life, which is precisely why he still annoys the shit out of us today, 2523 years after this event. So Randy Savage never even tried to get rid of Raptor; instead, they had butt sex upstairs, which revolted the eventual guests. That's why we don't know what they thought about the goat balls.



So, this combination arrives with a major irony: its inception was witnessed by the worst creature this world knows. But nonetheless, olives and feta are an immaculate pairing, capable of making your tastebuds do a tango, your balls do a ring-around-the-rosy, and your eyes spin back and forth like a hyena's prey. Based on this absurd logic, a combination is deemed perfect as long as it makes several muscles on your body spasm like Paris Hilton's vagina when she sees Raptor. Also try drinking wine when you have olives and feta, which makes the meal a triplicate of explosive tastes, because the unspoken truth in the world is that the best things are the things we have to fight for, and damn do we have to squirm when we slide our front teeth across that toothpick, removing those heavenly bits of ball-breaking goodness.

Homeless People and Cities

The shit I'm going to lay down right now will be so heavy and controversial that if your mind isn't coated with endurance you'll end up crapping your insides out. I'm not joking around, I showed my friend Sammy Diaz the rough draft of this post and his insides came out of his ass faster than a strawberry sunday. So now that I got the pansies to stop reading lets continue with this post because my scented bubble bath can't wait all day.

The world is all kinds of fucked up right now. We got wars left and right, differences in opinions leading to death, brothas hatin on brothas, and girls thinking it's alright to poop in a cup and eat it. Sure you can blame the Government, the newer generations, or even those damn video games, but that shit got nothing on all the suffering. I've been researching for eight miserable years and have come to a conclusion that our biggest problem in this cruel cruel sphere are the stinky uglies we call the homeless. Homeless people (also referred to as hobos, bums, and gargonzies) live on our streets and pollute this world with their filth. Those gargonzies are so lazy that they don't even take showers or brush their teeth. They just lay on the ground and ask us normal, civilized people for change. "First of all buddy there has been change because Barack Obama is now President. DUH! Secondly buddy why don't you shut up and get a job. Thirdly buddy why don't you stop stinking and get some educashon. Fourthly buddy...YOU AIN'T MY BUDDY!" I just blew that bum's mind into bits.

Now you may ask yourself, "if he's bashing the homeless so hard and real how is this combination going to be perfect?" I'll just respond saying, "shut up tinkle toes and keep reading or your lights will be punched out!" Sure the homeless suck great stew balls but it is a known fact that some homeless started off their lives just like us. This means that no matter who you are there's still a chance that you someday can become a gargonzy, unless your Fankie Muniz who's too talented to let that ever happen. Lets just say you have an addiction to coke, weed, and booze and after you drink your coke, cut those damn weeds in your yard, and stop booing performances you become dead broke. What do you do when your at this state you fucking hobo? Well what does every homeless stink bomb do? They live their lives in the CCCCCCCIIIIIIITTTTTTYYYYYY!!!!!!!!

Yes the city life is the less shitty life for the homeless. In the Big Apple or all the other apples those bums have it all set. If they ever feel like a good alcoholic beverage or a smoky smoke all they have to do is sit down and say "change" and then some poindexture will hand them some wiggidy change. I'd love to give them change because I'm a nice guy but Raptor takes it during recess every day. But jokes on him because I put my change in my cats butt before he takes it so he gets cat butt on his hands. The second best thing about the city is that there's shelter everywhere so when it rains those bastards can stay under some big ole building and be as dry as a jack rabbit on a tuesday. What's great about people who don't finish eating their dinner, especially their vegetables, is that there's always someone in their trash doing that for them and in the city there are like fifty trillion billion trash cans full of gross broccoli. Where else can you get food, money, and shelter all in one alley way. There are also lovely benches for them to take nippy naps on. If I become homeless from wasting all my money of X-Men Pogs I'd totally find myself a fine city and let my balls hang out all day. Sure this combination isn't so perfect for those who hate the homeless and live in a city but my combinations can favor some over the other. In the right perspective this combination is perfecto and if you find yourself on the streets with no home and a fork in your ass you'll thank me for the advise of hitting up the city life and letting your balls hang out like there's no tomorrow.

Hair Salons and Papyrus

Ok, before we begin, you're probably immediately baffled by this combination. You're thinking: "Papyrus? Say what? That light paper shit that comes from plants? How does that relate to hair salons?" Well, it doesn't, nimrod. If you're familiar with the design world, or rather, the shitty design world, you know the font Papyrus. You know, ugly, tacky, egyptian-esque, Michael G-ish, super ugly Papyrus. The kind of font that belongs to that league of grade school embellishing tools along with Comic Sans, Kurlz MT, Stencil, the dreadful Jokerman, and any other terminally lame typeface that, you know, resides on any PTO Conference Newsletter, High School Cheerleading Car Wash Advertisement, or Bake Sale Rundown. These are the types of fonts that freaks like Raptor use, while the big boys like us who write here at Perfect Combinations for Better Reputations stick to nice, appealing sans serifs and stuff.



Anyways, the gaudy quality of Papyrus just doesn't matter when it comes to a hair salon. Across the country, even the world for that matter (because you know, we do tons of rigorous research), you'd be surprised to find how many hair salons do indeed use Papyrus for their banners and whole visual scheme. Walk down the street and I guarantee within ten minutes you will discover this too. I'm not talking about Supercuts or any other dumb chain haircutters, I'm talking about the more personal joints. And they do it for a reason: behind the ugliness of Papyrus, there is a sleek, suave, almost rejuvenating quality. People go to hair salons to begin anew, by getting their hair cut, their mustachio trimmed, their hair colorized, (their pubes trimmed?), and maybe even in some instances, their religion converted. What is Papyrus if not a blatant attempt at a soothing, spiritual typeface, and given its Egyptian influence, a tribute to ethnicity and history and all that dumb bullshit. People want to feel soothed when they get their herr did, so how better to entice them than with a banner boasting Papyrus!?



At this point, you're probably a bit skeptical. All of the pretentious douschebags are thinking to themselves: "Well, once I look at that sign and I know its papyrus, I'm not going in there because they're tacky." Get over it, you schmuck! The bottom line is they don't care very much about design. As long as the place looks clean and healthy, to me, with their obvious lack of visual marketing skills, they have at least chosen a font that will get their point across. Their essence. (Isn't essence a great word to use when talking about hair salons? No? Fuck you Raptor.) Another important thing is, when you're driving down the street with your gross, scraggly hair that hasn't been cut in two years, and your wife is with you with her absurdly heinous afro, and you're having a discussion like this - You: "Baby, I'm sorry to admit this, but I'm a hermaphrodite", Her: "God dammit Jose, all i need for you to do is trim the lawn! You never do it!", You: "But what about the radioactive sandwich?" - you're gonna see that hair salon from a distance and immediately be attracted to Papyrus. You won't recognize how shitty the font is, you'll just see the essence of it. Then, in one hip-hip-hooray, you'll yell: "By golly baby, we better go get our herrs did!". I dare you to go in and not say the service is fantastic, because they know how to entice you with their Egyptian-like aura.

Christmas and Pajamas

It’s a known fucking fact that Christmas is the BEST time of the year. It's a time when billions of Christian families come together, share laughs and love, and celebrate what truly matters. PRESENTS!!! I love presents so much I pop like eighteen boners just thinking about them. I just popped like five boners writing that sentence. But I'm not exactly sure why Christmas is on December 25; it must be the day some guy invented presents. Everyone agrees that Christmas and presents are a perfect combination, but I’m not here to point out the obvious to you because you guys are smarty pants. I’m about to discuss a holiday combination that everyone does but so few truly acknowledge. I’m talking about Christmas and pajamas.

Opening presents on Christmas day is absolutely nothing without a super duper cool pair of pajamas. You need to be in the prime state of comfort when you open your presents or else you will be missing something. Something I'd like to call soul because your pajamas give you the strength you need to bite through that ribbon, rip off that paper, and spend hours trying to get through the plastic covering on your toy. How else can you dance wacky wild when you get a new Crash Bandicoot game? You can't jump around in excitement wearing some tight ass clothing or businessman shit. Your pajamas act as a second skin layer that are flexible enough to withstand any movement and comfy enough to please your genitals. Pajamas are also the only articles of clothing that you actually like to get for a present on Christmas, especially camo pajamas. Just check the history books and you'll see that nobody has ever gone a Christmas without their pajamas. Even Thomas Edison went ape shit for wearing his light bulb pajamas on Christmas.

Just imagine yourself waking up early in the mourning on Christmas day, early of course because your presents might dissolve if not opened soon, pushing over your covers and looking down at your fuzzy, warm pajamas snug fit on your impatient skin. Then you jump off your bed and after peeing for like two minutes you slip and slide your way to your gifts. This is true happiness at it's finest, but your happiness does vary depending on what kind of pajamas you have. You're a god if you wear footy pajamas because those babies keep you crazy snug and also protect you from anything, even Spiderclaw. If you've never met Spiderclaw before your lucky as hell; It's 50% spider, 50% claw, and 100% a scary ass monster under my bed. I've actually never seen Spiderclaw but Raptor told me all about how scary it is. The second best pajamas to wear would have to be the ones made out of silk because nothing feels better on your wangerdoodle then silky silk. After that I'd say very old pajamas would be the next best because the older they are the closest they get to feeling like silk and that means they still feel good on your wangerdoodle. You'd think regular cotton pajamas would be next but what comes before that would have to be camo pajamas. They are cotton but because I include the cool factor in everything I decided to separate camo cotton pajamas from other cotton pajamas. You could totally feel like you're actually in the army with your camo so they should be different. Cotton pajamas are still wiggidy wack cool but if you want to experience Christmas with all sorts of bliss you need to get yourself some pajamas that can make your wangerdoodle sing a beautiful song.

Spinach and Artichoke

What you're about to read is a story from the missing pages of the Hole Bible. This will change you're perception on life, religion, and dip.

 
After Jesus Christ built a reputation and became super popular with all the villagers, he started to run into some trouble. The village was always short on food and relied on Jesus to use his wicked sweet powers to make bread and wine for everyone. But Jesus became tired from constantly using this power and getting no reward for it. So just like Peter Parker in "Spiderman 2," Jesus started to loose his powers because he didn't really appreciate them anymore. But the people's hunger soon grew strong and they started to blame Jesus for their struggles. To keep his rep, Jesus tried his hardest to find food elsewhere. He noticed that the village only grew spinach and artichokes in the gardens but these two foods were too bitter and tasteless for the villagers to handle so no one even dared eat them. So Jesus, with his sharp wit and spider-like reflexes, took the two foods and mixed them together with some cheese and shit to create an act of God.


This miracle that fed so many in the past still exists today. It is formally known as spinach and artichoke dip. What makes this dip a perfect combination is that it contains vegetables that TASTE GOOD! Adults love to be super dick wads and shove disgusting vegetables down their poor kid's throats because they're jealous of our youth. But with this warm, cheesy delight you'll get your dose of vegetables and be as satisfied as a horse's ass. Instead of thinking about how that last remark made no sense think about how spinach and artichoke dip is perfect for any average shmuck. It's very easy to make and not at all time consuming so you could have enough time to blog about how great this blog is. When finished cooking this dip, people will also think you've slaved over a hot stove because it looks so professional it's like Bobby Flay came in and cooked up a stew. So if you have any boring ass chips or boring ass pieces of bread just hanging around your boring ass house, make up some spinach and artichoke dip super fast and dip that shit like you'd never believe. You could also have the ladies come over your house some day and cook them up some of this nice dip and they'll totally go first base with you in a matter of seconds. But make sure you don't go to any further bases with them because that's so yucky. I even asked my whole neighborhood if they loved this dip and the only one that said no was my arch nemesis Raptor, but that's only because he's a dick. So kneel down, look up into the sky, and thank Jesus Christ for this absolutely delicious creation.

Men and Dogs

To start off this blog I decided to talk about the very well known combination of a man and his dog. People always say, “A dog is a man’s best friend,” well these assholes are right. Only men can appreciate dogs because not only are they loyal, but men can relate to them. Dogs like food, running, chewing, dirt, butts, puddles, and sleeping. Guys love all of that stuff and sometimes in that order. These animals have the ability to lick their own junk which is something men only dream of doing. I’d lick my junk ALL THE TIME! There’s also an obvious relation between bones and boners. Dogs love to play with bones as much as men love to play with their boners. Are these two names coincidental? I think not! Anyway there’s no denying these similarities because really, if you think about it, dogs love to hump just as much as men do and neither of them have the decency to do it in private. 

Now with all the similarities between dudes and dogs you'd think there are some with women. BUT NO STUPID! Women only wish they share a connection with dogs but they are too clean and sophisticated. Dogs love to get down and dirty and play rough and tumble no matter what gender. Dogs are just icky fur balls to them and they slobber all over their new boutique shoes. They may say they love dogs but deep down you know they want to turn your Dalmatian into a lovely fur coat. Cruella De Vil totally did.  Ladies just can't handle these creatures; they'd rather be in some Victorian tea party or clean something. What I'm trying to say is that women are objectively boring.  

Just think back to many historic companionships between men and their dogs. You got Will Smith with his German Shepherd in that crappy movie "I Am Legend," Frankie Muniz and his Terrier in that amazing movie "My Dog Skip," Wallace and his dog Gromit, and that dog that fetches your dead ducks in that manly video game "Duck Hunt." The only thing the women have is Paris Hilton and her poor excuse for a dog who she stuffs in that purse. All women want to do is shove their dogs in their purses and forget about them. Objectively women just don't like dogs and would rather suffocate all cute animals because they're jealous. 

What makes the man and dog relationship so strong is that men can think and say that dogs are big ole cutie pies and not be criticized for it by any bullies. Everyone agrees that dogs are adorable, even guidos. When I come home and my dog is waiting for me right at the door I just want to squeeze him till he explodes all over the walls. When they lick you in the face it's like being kissed by a Greek Goddess. Only men can enjoy their faces being covered by the saliva of a dog; the same saliva that touched its junk. Parts of my day are spent just laying on the ground cuddling and getting kisses from my dog. I could even tell my arch-nemesis Raptor about how much I love my dog and he'd be cool with it because he's a, you guessed it, man. (Just an FYI: Raptor is a total dick and we're both enemies). 

Men just love dogs, and the ones who hate them were probably born as women but their disappointed fathers stapled a penis onto them. You see, men are just very badass and like to go on badass adventures, so they need a companion who loves them and are equally as badass. D O G S!!! They're loyal, protective, joyful, fun, and affectionate. Everything that women aren't. Eventually the love between men and dogs will become so strong that evolution will create a furry ass dogman thing that doesn't need a woman to survive because lets face it, women are objectively lame. My post is coming to a close so I'll leave you with this one thought; God backwards is dog and we all know God is probably a dude.