Christmas and Pajamas

It’s a known fucking fact that Christmas is the BEST time of the year. It's a time when billions of Christian families come together, share laughs and love, and celebrate what truly matters. PRESENTS!!! I love presents so much I pop like eighteen boners just thinking about them. I just popped like five boners writing that sentence. But I'm not exactly sure why Christmas is on December 25; it must be the day some guy invented presents. Everyone agrees that Christmas and presents are a perfect combination, but I’m not here to point out the obvious to you because you guys are smarty pants. I’m about to discuss a holiday combination that everyone does but so few truly acknowledge. I’m talking about Christmas and pajamas.

Opening presents on Christmas day is absolutely nothing without a super duper cool pair of pajamas. You need to be in the prime state of comfort when you open your presents or else you will be missing something. Something I'd like to call soul because your pajamas give you the strength you need to bite through that ribbon, rip off that paper, and spend hours trying to get through the plastic covering on your toy. How else can you dance wacky wild when you get a new Crash Bandicoot game? You can't jump around in excitement wearing some tight ass clothing or businessman shit. Your pajamas act as a second skin layer that are flexible enough to withstand any movement and comfy enough to please your genitals. Pajamas are also the only articles of clothing that you actually like to get for a present on Christmas, especially camo pajamas. Just check the history books and you'll see that nobody has ever gone a Christmas without their pajamas. Even Thomas Edison went ape shit for wearing his light bulb pajamas on Christmas.

Just imagine yourself waking up early in the mourning on Christmas day, early of course because your presents might dissolve if not opened soon, pushing over your covers and looking down at your fuzzy, warm pajamas snug fit on your impatient skin. Then you jump off your bed and after peeing for like two minutes you slip and slide your way to your gifts. This is true happiness at it's finest, but your happiness does vary depending on what kind of pajamas you have. You're a god if you wear footy pajamas because those babies keep you crazy snug and also protect you from anything, even Spiderclaw. If you've never met Spiderclaw before your lucky as hell; It's 50% spider, 50% claw, and 100% a scary ass monster under my bed. I've actually never seen Spiderclaw but Raptor told me all about how scary it is. The second best pajamas to wear would have to be the ones made out of silk because nothing feels better on your wangerdoodle then silky silk. After that I'd say very old pajamas would be the next best because the older they are the closest they get to feeling like silk and that means they still feel good on your wangerdoodle. You'd think regular cotton pajamas would be next but what comes before that would have to be camo pajamas. They are cotton but because I include the cool factor in everything I decided to separate camo cotton pajamas from other cotton pajamas. You could totally feel like you're actually in the army with your camo so they should be different. Cotton pajamas are still wiggidy wack cool but if you want to experience Christmas with all sorts of bliss you need to get yourself some pajamas that can make your wangerdoodle sing a beautiful song.

Spinach and Artichoke

What you're about to read is a story from the missing pages of the Hole Bible. This will change you're perception on life, religion, and dip.

 
After Jesus Christ built a reputation and became super popular with all the villagers, he started to run into some trouble. The village was always short on food and relied on Jesus to use his wicked sweet powers to make bread and wine for everyone. But Jesus became tired from constantly using this power and getting no reward for it. So just like Peter Parker in "Spiderman 2," Jesus started to loose his powers because he didn't really appreciate them anymore. But the people's hunger soon grew strong and they started to blame Jesus for their struggles. To keep his rep, Jesus tried his hardest to find food elsewhere. He noticed that the village only grew spinach and artichokes in the gardens but these two foods were too bitter and tasteless for the villagers to handle so no one even dared eat them. So Jesus, with his sharp wit and spider-like reflexes, took the two foods and mixed them together with some cheese and shit to create an act of God.


This miracle that fed so many in the past still exists today. It is formally known as spinach and artichoke dip. What makes this dip a perfect combination is that it contains vegetables that TASTE GOOD! Adults love to be super dick wads and shove disgusting vegetables down their poor kid's throats because they're jealous of our youth. But with this warm, cheesy delight you'll get your dose of vegetables and be as satisfied as a horse's ass. Instead of thinking about how that last remark made no sense think about how spinach and artichoke dip is perfect for any average shmuck. It's very easy to make and not at all time consuming so you could have enough time to blog about how great this blog is. When finished cooking this dip, people will also think you've slaved over a hot stove because it looks so professional it's like Bobby Flay came in and cooked up a stew. So if you have any boring ass chips or boring ass pieces of bread just hanging around your boring ass house, make up some spinach and artichoke dip super fast and dip that shit like you'd never believe. You could also have the ladies come over your house some day and cook them up some of this nice dip and they'll totally go first base with you in a matter of seconds. But make sure you don't go to any further bases with them because that's so yucky. I even asked my whole neighborhood if they loved this dip and the only one that said no was my arch nemesis Raptor, but that's only because he's a dick. So kneel down, look up into the sky, and thank Jesus Christ for this absolutely delicious creation.

Men and Dogs

To start off this blog I decided to talk about the very well known combination of a man and his dog. People always say, “A dog is a man’s best friend,” well these assholes are right. Only men can appreciate dogs because not only are they loyal, but men can relate to them. Dogs like food, running, chewing, dirt, butts, puddles, and sleeping. Guys love all of that stuff and sometimes in that order. These animals have the ability to lick their own junk which is something men only dream of doing. I’d lick my junk ALL THE TIME! There’s also an obvious relation between bones and boners. Dogs love to play with bones as much as men love to play with their boners. Are these two names coincidental? I think not! Anyway there’s no denying these similarities because really, if you think about it, dogs love to hump just as much as men do and neither of them have the decency to do it in private. 

Now with all the similarities between dudes and dogs you'd think there are some with women. BUT NO STUPID! Women only wish they share a connection with dogs but they are too clean and sophisticated. Dogs love to get down and dirty and play rough and tumble no matter what gender. Dogs are just icky fur balls to them and they slobber all over their new boutique shoes. They may say they love dogs but deep down you know they want to turn your Dalmatian into a lovely fur coat. Cruella De Vil totally did.  Ladies just can't handle these creatures; they'd rather be in some Victorian tea party or clean something. What I'm trying to say is that women are objectively boring.  

Just think back to many historic companionships between men and their dogs. You got Will Smith with his German Shepherd in that crappy movie "I Am Legend," Frankie Muniz and his Terrier in that amazing movie "My Dog Skip," Wallace and his dog Gromit, and that dog that fetches your dead ducks in that manly video game "Duck Hunt." The only thing the women have is Paris Hilton and her poor excuse for a dog who she stuffs in that purse. All women want to do is shove their dogs in their purses and forget about them. Objectively women just don't like dogs and would rather suffocate all cute animals because they're jealous. 

What makes the man and dog relationship so strong is that men can think and say that dogs are big ole cutie pies and not be criticized for it by any bullies. Everyone agrees that dogs are adorable, even guidos. When I come home and my dog is waiting for me right at the door I just want to squeeze him till he explodes all over the walls. When they lick you in the face it's like being kissed by a Greek Goddess. Only men can enjoy their faces being covered by the saliva of a dog; the same saliva that touched its junk. Parts of my day are spent just laying on the ground cuddling and getting kisses from my dog. I could even tell my arch-nemesis Raptor about how much I love my dog and he'd be cool with it because he's a, you guessed it, man. (Just an FYI: Raptor is a total dick and we're both enemies). 

Men just love dogs, and the ones who hate them were probably born as women but their disappointed fathers stapled a penis onto them. You see, men are just very badass and like to go on badass adventures, so they need a companion who loves them and are equally as badass. D O G S!!! They're loyal, protective, joyful, fun, and affectionate. Everything that women aren't. Eventually the love between men and dogs will become so strong that evolution will create a furry ass dogman thing that doesn't need a woman to survive because lets face it, women are objectively lame. My post is coming to a close so I'll leave you with this one thought; God backwards is dog and we all know God is probably a dude.