CRUISING DOWN THE STREET WITH THEIR SERIOUS PETES! IT'S THE SKATEBOARDERS FROM QUARGONZAI! LOOK AROUND THE CORNER AND WHAT DO YOU SEE? IT'S THE SKATEBOARDERS FROM QUARGONZAI! MAKE YOU SO SCARED THAT YOU WANNA TAKE A PEE! IT'S THE SKATEBOARDERS FROM QUARGONZAI! BREAKING ALL THE BUILDINGS WITH THEIR JOHNSON'S FREE! IT'S THE SKATEBOARDERS FROM QUARGONZAI!
This is the coolest jingle ever written. (Listen to it here.) But it's also one of the truest. The jingle was actually made for a 1975 advertisement for...GUNS! People were getting fed up with unruly skateboarders intruding on their space and flinging kickflips all up in their shit. Basically, this advertisement was telling people to buy guns and finish off skateboarders, make their blood bleed, send them to the grave, buy them a new home with worms, etcetera. After the Watergate Scandal, people were going wild. They didn't know what to believe because they felt that any ruler would ultimately screw them over. So what's the best way to stick it to the man and protect yourself? With GUNS! I've bought like thirty guns throughout my life for all different reasons, some for things as minor as my aunt not giving me the recipe to her famous chicken pot pie. I taught her a lesson. (Why I didn't use one of the 29 other guns I already had is another question.) The important thing is to not let people like Raptor get their hands on a gun, because they just might start shooting people that matter. Give Wolfman 3000 a gun and you'll know for sure that the body count will be made up only of liars and thieves.
So, before I digress too much, these skateboarders were not in the best interests of the masses. After all, they had their penises out for most of the time according to the jingle! Learning about this story made me realize how similar today's situation is, with the exception of gun accessibility. Skateboarders still ride around with their junk out and swear at innocent pedestrians. They vandalize valuable property and steal kid's candy apples, not to eat them but to put them up their butts. And when I say this, I mean ALL skateboarders. They are all jerks. That doesn't mean however that what they do isn't incredibly badass; anyone who can simulate gay butt sex in mid air with a scratchy four-wheeled board is a proficient athlete in my book. It's only fair that the athlete should play on the turf most suited to his/her sport, am I right?
That brings me to the combination. Let's consider this from the skateboarder's point of view. He loves breaking rules. He's all about disorder and chaos. Why would He want to ride in the skate park built for Him, when that's just doing what someone allows and it means staying out of people's business. The skateboarder wants to be where His existence is noticed, where people can see His junk and be so up-close-and-personal with it that they nearly choke on it. Moreover, the skateboarder is really an anarchist at heart, so He wants to be be somewhere that strictly prohibits Him from being there. Consequently, this happens to be where the coolest skate spots are because of how many nice architectural flourishes are built. For instance, The White House would be the sickest place to skate; you could vertically grind the tall pillars and even nollie across Obama's clean-shaven head. These are the kind of ludicrous ideas that skaters eat up. Anything that shakes things up a bit is of interest to them. So when they see a "No Skateboarding" sign, it's like Christmas in July, even when it's not July. Yes, this may be annoying to the public, but we can't be too harsh on them. After all, they were born with the unfortunate disability of seeing the world as if through a fish-eye.
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