Olives and Feta

Put an olive up your ass. Now put a hunk of feta cheese up your ass. Don't they both burn your ass? If your ass is really your mouth, then yes, they do. Olives and feta cheese are two of the most distinctive flavors that the world of food has to offer. Some would say that their intense bitterness is too much to handle and that it shrouds the real richness of flavor that is underneath. Some say olives taste like pee-pee smoothies and feta tastes like buttcrack nachos. These opinions are actually objectively false. Both are delectable delicacies that only real food connoisseurs can enjoy. But how do two extremes put together make something new and of value, you may ask? If two extreme personalities got together for a rendezvous, wouldn't they have no chemistry? Don't opposites attract?

These are all valid questions to ask when attempting to counter the perfection that is the olive and feta combination. However, they are ultimately worthless questions, because they will be deemed void once you hear the words that are comin' out of my mouth. One day, Randy Savage was sitting in his pig-pen and he had some guests coming over his house. They were all of high class, and Randy, of course being a lowly peasant, wanted to prepare the finest dinner of all for them to prove that he was a worthy human being. He decided to make goat balls for them. Unfortunately, we'll never know what they thought of the goat balls, because Raptor caught word of this gathering, so Randy Savage was deeply worried that his party would be ruined. He told Leo Muskrat, who was the only good man in town that had the respect of Raptor, to tell Raptor that his party was at 6:00 instead of the 8:00 starting time he had previously mentioned. Instead of just grabbing the gun that was hanging quite obviously on his front door and blowing Raptor's brains to kingdom come, Randy Savage devised a more unusual plan. He thought about what would be the two most disgusting foods possible to pair together in hopes that upon eating them, Raptor would keel over and die and Randy could toss him into the mass grave in his backyard that was filled with Fascists. So he put feta cheese and olives into a bowl together with toothpicks, asking Raptor to eat the items together. It turns out that Raptor absolutely loved the combination, and it is said to have given him immortal life, which is precisely why he still annoys the shit out of us today, 2523 years after this event. So Randy Savage never even tried to get rid of Raptor; instead, they had butt sex upstairs, which revolted the eventual guests. That's why we don't know what they thought about the goat balls.



So, this combination arrives with a major irony: its inception was witnessed by the worst creature this world knows. But nonetheless, olives and feta are an immaculate pairing, capable of making your tastebuds do a tango, your balls do a ring-around-the-rosy, and your eyes spin back and forth like a hyena's prey. Based on this absurd logic, a combination is deemed perfect as long as it makes several muscles on your body spasm like Paris Hilton's vagina when she sees Raptor. Also try drinking wine when you have olives and feta, which makes the meal a triplicate of explosive tastes, because the unspoken truth in the world is that the best things are the things we have to fight for, and damn do we have to squirm when we slide our front teeth across that toothpick, removing those heavenly bits of ball-breaking goodness.