Men and Women

"Did you clean the gutter yet? Have you fixed the television? Are you listening to me? Hey did you just fluff your Garfield on my new hair iron?" How many times have you heard these obnoxious questions from your wife or girlfriend? Like three hundred zillion times right? It's just a constant nag fest twenty four seven. The women in this world just don't know when to stop talking. Men are just the opposite. We're all relaxed and cool individuals who do nothing wrong until the women come in and ruin everything. That's why men didn't let women have as many rights back then because they were scared of what those shedevils would do to the world with all that power. I'm scared just letting my sister babysit me when my parents are gone. She makes me wear her dresses and gives me Indian sunburns until I puke. Men and women have nothing in common and are an awful combination...so you think.

Now lets talk science for a bit. For those wee ones reading this I'd suggest you'd stop right now and go back to your Berenstein Bears because it's gonna get hot and dirty in here. Men have dingleberries and women have flarglesnoops. It's as simple as that. We like to stick our dingleberies into women's flarglesnoops because it feels good and it also makes slimy ass babies. They were made for each other, like a key and a key hole, a snake and a snake hole, or even a hole and a hole hole. What I'm trying to say is that pee pees point outward on the body and vee vees point inward on the body. Our shlongs fit right into the women perfectly, unless you're Raptor who's wiener is smaller than an acorn. I know cause I looked at it while he was sleeping.

Now I'm no homophobe saying that only men and women could engage in the sex business perfectly. What makes these gay men not so perfect is that poop lives in their butts and that poop gets all over their rods. And gay women...well...I don't really know how they have sex. Sex is just so fitting when it involves a man and a woman. Another thought for you to munch on is that men and women's opposite abilities come together beautifully when connecting genitals. Women are flexible where as men are stiff, but somehow that works. Women are silky soft where as men are rough with pubes and such, but somehow that works. Women are weak and brittle where as men are strong and smart, but somehow that works. Men's big hands fit perfectly on a woman's boob sac. Women also do wonderful things with their tongues that only men can appreciate. Sex is just the one thing connecting cool ass men and stinky butt women and without sex it wouldn't just be the dinosaurs who are extinct. Women would be...cause men would kill them...hehehe....get it?

Buttsocket!

Olives and Feta

Put an olive up your ass. Now put a hunk of feta cheese up your ass. Don't they both burn your ass? If your ass is really your mouth, then yes, they do. Olives and feta cheese are two of the most distinctive flavors that the world of food has to offer. Some would say that their intense bitterness is too much to handle and that it shrouds the real richness of flavor that is underneath. Some say olives taste like pee-pee smoothies and feta tastes like buttcrack nachos. These opinions are actually objectively false. Both are delectable delicacies that only real food connoisseurs can enjoy. But how do two extremes put together make something new and of value, you may ask? If two extreme personalities got together for a rendezvous, wouldn't they have no chemistry? Don't opposites attract?

These are all valid questions to ask when attempting to counter the perfection that is the olive and feta combination. However, they are ultimately worthless questions, because they will be deemed void once you hear the words that are comin' out of my mouth. One day, Randy Savage was sitting in his pig-pen and he had some guests coming over his house. They were all of high class, and Randy, of course being a lowly peasant, wanted to prepare the finest dinner of all for them to prove that he was a worthy human being. He decided to make goat balls for them. Unfortunately, we'll never know what they thought of the goat balls, because Raptor caught word of this gathering, so Randy Savage was deeply worried that his party would be ruined. He told Leo Muskrat, who was the only good man in town that had the respect of Raptor, to tell Raptor that his party was at 6:00 instead of the 8:00 starting time he had previously mentioned. Instead of just grabbing the gun that was hanging quite obviously on his front door and blowing Raptor's brains to kingdom come, Randy Savage devised a more unusual plan. He thought about what would be the two most disgusting foods possible to pair together in hopes that upon eating them, Raptor would keel over and die and Randy could toss him into the mass grave in his backyard that was filled with Fascists. So he put feta cheese and olives into a bowl together with toothpicks, asking Raptor to eat the items together. It turns out that Raptor absolutely loved the combination, and it is said to have given him immortal life, which is precisely why he still annoys the shit out of us today, 2523 years after this event. So Randy Savage never even tried to get rid of Raptor; instead, they had butt sex upstairs, which revolted the eventual guests. That's why we don't know what they thought about the goat balls.



So, this combination arrives with a major irony: its inception was witnessed by the worst creature this world knows. But nonetheless, olives and feta are an immaculate pairing, capable of making your tastebuds do a tango, your balls do a ring-around-the-rosy, and your eyes spin back and forth like a hyena's prey. Based on this absurd logic, a combination is deemed perfect as long as it makes several muscles on your body spasm like Paris Hilton's vagina when she sees Raptor. Also try drinking wine when you have olives and feta, which makes the meal a triplicate of explosive tastes, because the unspoken truth in the world is that the best things are the things we have to fight for, and damn do we have to squirm when we slide our front teeth across that toothpick, removing those heavenly bits of ball-breaking goodness.

Homeless People and Cities

The shit I'm going to lay down right now will be so heavy and controversial that if your mind isn't coated with endurance you'll end up crapping your insides out. I'm not joking around, I showed my friend Sammy Diaz the rough draft of this post and his insides came out of his ass faster than a strawberry sunday. So now that I got the pansies to stop reading lets continue with this post because my scented bubble bath can't wait all day.

The world is all kinds of fucked up right now. We got wars left and right, differences in opinions leading to death, brothas hatin on brothas, and girls thinking it's alright to poop in a cup and eat it. Sure you can blame the Government, the newer generations, or even those damn video games, but that shit got nothing on all the suffering. I've been researching for eight miserable years and have come to a conclusion that our biggest problem in this cruel cruel sphere are the stinky uglies we call the homeless. Homeless people (also referred to as hobos, bums, and gargonzies) live on our streets and pollute this world with their filth. Those gargonzies are so lazy that they don't even take showers or brush their teeth. They just lay on the ground and ask us normal, civilized people for change. "First of all buddy there has been change because Barack Obama is now President. DUH! Secondly buddy why don't you shut up and get a job. Thirdly buddy why don't you stop stinking and get some educashon. Fourthly buddy...YOU AIN'T MY BUDDY!" I just blew that bum's mind into bits.

Now you may ask yourself, "if he's bashing the homeless so hard and real how is this combination going to be perfect?" I'll just respond saying, "shut up tinkle toes and keep reading or your lights will be punched out!" Sure the homeless suck great stew balls but it is a known fact that some homeless started off their lives just like us. This means that no matter who you are there's still a chance that you someday can become a gargonzy, unless your Fankie Muniz who's too talented to let that ever happen. Lets just say you have an addiction to coke, weed, and booze and after you drink your coke, cut those damn weeds in your yard, and stop booing performances you become dead broke. What do you do when your at this state you fucking hobo? Well what does every homeless stink bomb do? They live their lives in the CCCCCCCIIIIIIITTTTTTYYYYYY!!!!!!!!

Yes the city life is the less shitty life for the homeless. In the Big Apple or all the other apples those bums have it all set. If they ever feel like a good alcoholic beverage or a smoky smoke all they have to do is sit down and say "change" and then some poindexture will hand them some wiggidy change. I'd love to give them change because I'm a nice guy but Raptor takes it during recess every day. But jokes on him because I put my change in my cats butt before he takes it so he gets cat butt on his hands. The second best thing about the city is that there's shelter everywhere so when it rains those bastards can stay under some big ole building and be as dry as a jack rabbit on a tuesday. What's great about people who don't finish eating their dinner, especially their vegetables, is that there's always someone in their trash doing that for them and in the city there are like fifty trillion billion trash cans full of gross broccoli. Where else can you get food, money, and shelter all in one alley way. There are also lovely benches for them to take nippy naps on. If I become homeless from wasting all my money of X-Men Pogs I'd totally find myself a fine city and let my balls hang out all day. Sure this combination isn't so perfect for those who hate the homeless and live in a city but my combinations can favor some over the other. In the right perspective this combination is perfecto and if you find yourself on the streets with no home and a fork in your ass you'll thank me for the advise of hitting up the city life and letting your balls hang out like there's no tomorrow.