Men and Dogs

To start off this blog I decided to talk about the very well known combination of a man and his dog. People always say, “A dog is a man’s best friend,” well these assholes are right. Only men can appreciate dogs because not only are they loyal, but men can relate to them. Dogs like food, running, chewing, dirt, butts, puddles, and sleeping. Guys love all of that stuff and sometimes in that order. These animals have the ability to lick their own junk which is something men only dream of doing. I’d lick my junk ALL THE TIME! There’s also an obvious relation between bones and boners. Dogs love to play with bones as much as men love to play with their boners. Are these two names coincidental? I think not! Anyway there’s no denying these similarities because really, if you think about it, dogs love to hump just as much as men do and neither of them have the decency to do it in private. 

Now with all the similarities between dudes and dogs you'd think there are some with women. BUT NO STUPID! Women only wish they share a connection with dogs but they are too clean and sophisticated. Dogs love to get down and dirty and play rough and tumble no matter what gender. Dogs are just icky fur balls to them and they slobber all over their new boutique shoes. They may say they love dogs but deep down you know they want to turn your Dalmatian into a lovely fur coat. Cruella De Vil totally did.  Ladies just can't handle these creatures; they'd rather be in some Victorian tea party or clean something. What I'm trying to say is that women are objectively boring.  

Just think back to many historic companionships between men and their dogs. You got Will Smith with his German Shepherd in that crappy movie "I Am Legend," Frankie Muniz and his Terrier in that amazing movie "My Dog Skip," Wallace and his dog Gromit, and that dog that fetches your dead ducks in that manly video game "Duck Hunt." The only thing the women have is Paris Hilton and her poor excuse for a dog who she stuffs in that purse. All women want to do is shove their dogs in their purses and forget about them. Objectively women just don't like dogs and would rather suffocate all cute animals because they're jealous. 

What makes the man and dog relationship so strong is that men can think and say that dogs are big ole cutie pies and not be criticized for it by any bullies. Everyone agrees that dogs are adorable, even guidos. When I come home and my dog is waiting for me right at the door I just want to squeeze him till he explodes all over the walls. When they lick you in the face it's like being kissed by a Greek Goddess. Only men can enjoy their faces being covered by the saliva of a dog; the same saliva that touched its junk. Parts of my day are spent just laying on the ground cuddling and getting kisses from my dog. I could even tell my arch-nemesis Raptor about how much I love my dog and he'd be cool with it because he's a, you guessed it, man. (Just an FYI: Raptor is a total dick and we're both enemies). 

Men just love dogs, and the ones who hate them were probably born as women but their disappointed fathers stapled a penis onto them. You see, men are just very badass and like to go on badass adventures, so they need a companion who loves them and are equally as badass. D O G S!!! They're loyal, protective, joyful, fun, and affectionate. Everything that women aren't. Eventually the love between men and dogs will become so strong that evolution will create a furry ass dogman thing that doesn't need a woman to survive because lets face it, women are objectively lame. My post is coming to a close so I'll leave you with this one thought; God backwards is dog and we all know God is probably a dude.