Popcorn and Movies (SAY WHAT?!?)

As Fuzzy Randy and I have traveled the world in search of combinations to make our butt hairs twinkle, the kind of immaculate pairings that could set Jesus and his disciples in an orgy of ecstasy, we have been invariably shocked by the number of appalling combos that have got in our way. It seems that for every perfect combination there is also a perfectly bad one. We decided that because we can't lie to ourselves and say that the world is made up of only the sweet stuff, we also have to cover the things that make pirates shoot gross stuff out of their weenies. We're too smart to deny that for every block of feta cheese there is a block of swiss, for every Wes Anderson there is a James Cameron, for every Quasimodo there is a Raptor, and so on. Therefore, we have made the mutual decision to include bad combinations too, and they will always be signaled with a (SAY WHAT?!?) next to the title. Accept it or wreck yourself.

I suspect that there is a collective disagreement from the outset about popcorn and movies being included in this light. Of course, this has been a cultural staple in entertainment for decades. Cinemas would not sell popcorn to moviegoers about to see Baby Geniuses 2 if not for its widespread appeal. People watch the babies running around burning crosses and slashing witches all while stuffing their faces with the buttery, crunchy shit, and this makes them happy. Well, I hate to throw a snake in your boots pals, but all you popcorn-chompers are out of your damn minds. There are a vast number of reasons why not to chuck choking pills down your throats while experiencing one of the greatest art forms the world has to offer, and I'm going to cover them. With extra butter.



1. Cinema began as a SILENT art. This means that there was no sound. Moviegoers would take their future brides out to the cinematheque and watch Charlie Chaplin comb his nasal hairs all while sitting there in awe of the simplistic beauty of the moving image. They didn't need the sound, for the vision was thrilling enough to put the jump in their jive. Popcorn, by contrast, is probably the LOUDEST food on the planet. I think this is a hilarious irony. One hundred years later, the pikchas have added blaring soundtracks that give you astronomical wedgies, but still the world's loudest movies (the Transformers franchise, superhero movies, Love, Actually) are not loud enough to drown out the explosive crunch of 25 fat lards eating gross popcorn. You can only imagine what this is like while watching a quiet, pensive movie like Soul Plane. It's like an atomic bomb goes off every time Snoop Dogg opens his mouth to speak that pitch-perfect dialogue: "baby, I'll pump yo ass" or, "damn, it's freezing in this coffin and my dick knows it!". This goofy kid knows what's up. (He's really talking about popcorn.)

2. Popcorn is just not that tasty. I don't care if you don't agree with my assessment. There's no way to persuasively justify bite-size plastic wrap with little brown flaky stuff on the inside that always gets stuck in your teeth, your tongue, and your lymph nodes. The butter and salt is the only thing that gives popcorn any flavor whatsoever. Have you ever had plain popcorn? That shit tastes like grandmothers! Choose candy or a hot dog or nachos at least, an assortment of other sub-par industrial snack foods that don't produce seismic shifts in the earth's atmosphere every time you take a bite.

3. It seems like when people buy popcorn, they receive the invitation to dump it all over the aisles of the theater. I've been knee-deep in popcorn before while watching a movie and that was no good. Even when there's only a thin covering of popcorn along the aisle, it creates a disgustingly greasy floor. One time, I sat in front of a lady who literally got stuck to the floor at the end of the movie. She could not leave and asked for me to get a paramedic. I decided that instead of wasting my time on that, I'd go sit on my ass and juggle pinballs. The next time I went back to that theater, the lady was a skeleton. Thanks a lot popcorn grease.

4. Raptor eats popcorn when watching movies like Bad Santa and Get Rich or Die Tryin'. That's self-explanatory.

5. Randy Savage doesn't eat popcorn when watching movies (some of his favorites are James and the Giant Peach and The Flying Toaster). That's also self-explanatory.

Don't eat popcorn at movie theaters or else you'll end up like this chap...



SMOKE!